Listen Up Gentlemen…

I recently read the book “Become Your Own Matchmaker” by Patti Stanger. I tend to pick up titles that catch my eye on the new-release shelf of the library. So what looked at first like an Amazon-warrior-in-a-white-suit adventure novel turned out to be an interesting revelation of what women want from men and how they like to be treated, especially in regards to dating. The information contained within should be useful for mates of both sexes and for married couples alike.

It’s funny because the book is aimed at women, but it details so much useful information for men as well. So, guys, I’m going to let you in on just a few of the secrets contained in the book. You can try these things out with your current lady, or on your next foray into the dating jungle.

Here is the first paragraph from the introduction: “Every time a heterosexual female sleeps with a man – a good one, a bad one, it doesn’t matter – she becomes bonded to that man, and no other man can exist for her. This is because the hormone oxytocin starts surging through her veins. So proceed with caution – one good orgasm, and your bonds to any Joe Schmo are chemically reinforced. The more sex you have, the stronger the bond. This is the reason why women all over the world just can’t seem to leave their loser boyfriends, even though their brain, friends, family, even the garbage man, are telling them to dump him.”

It’s my guess that there’s a similar hormone available for men also. The point is that if the sex is good, it’s hard to leave an otherwise unfulfilling relationship.

But leave it you should, says Stanger. After mustering up the courage and the strength to leave that relationship and actually doing so, one should go through what Stanger calls ‘Dating Detox’.

‘Dating Detox’ is a period of several months where you “don’t even think about going out on a date” and you spend time pampering yourself, making yourself happy, and getting your business in working order. Stanger describes the perfectly attractive woman: “Happy + Active = Attractive”. And I can’t agree more.

Ladies, you don’t have to be Sade on a sunny day. You can be merely pretty. But if you have happiness oozing from you and are excreting the glow of an active body, men will follow you like dogs to their masters. (Unfortunately, if you are a yoga instructor or work at a dance studio, you are probably all too familiar with this phenomenon.)

And gentlemen, the same goes for you. Get your ass off the couch, lift some heavy objects several times a week til your heart gets jacked, and crank up the Burt Bacharach and Carpenters and the chicks will be giving you double and triple-takes against their will all day long!

After you finish your ‘Detox’ period and your confidence is up, it’s time to hit the dating trail. Stanger offers a few gems for the gents here as well.

Boys, when you ask a lady out, ask her out to dinner and make it clear that you are going to pay for it. Stanger says that a “coffee date isn’t even worth the time it takes to get out of bed and put on makeup”. And why should you pay for it? Stanger says that if you’re looking for more than just a romp in the sack, offering to pay for dinner says to a woman that you are a serious, respectable guy with ‘provider’ qualities. And women like providers.

And when you ask her out, have the courage to ask her out face-to-face if possible. This shows your confidence. If you must ask her out on the phone, then make sure you ask her for her phone number. Don’t ever ask a women to call you, because she won’t do it, says Stanger. The man must be the pursuer.

By the way, Stanger makes several perhaps stereo-typical remarks such as ‘women like providers’ and ‘give the man space to chase’ which may seem old-fashioned. However, I think these points are spot-on. The following quote should remind you of a couple you know in your own life: “If you want to be romanced, let the man lead – there’s no way around that. If you don’t let the man lead, you’ll turn him into a couch potato.” Dudes, that’s some scary shit!!! No real man wants to be the couch potato, and no real woman wants to be with the couch potato. So, take these old-fashioned suggestions to heart.

Boys, when looking for the ladies, you should look for them where they congregate in droves. And you should look for them by yourself, as the lone wolf. Stanger mentions that the best way for a woman to find a man to date is to go to a sports bar by herself. (!) I can’t think of a similar place where a man could go, except perhaps to a hair salon or a Curves exercise facility. So good luck with that one mates.

Once you’ve secured a date, be careful about what you talk about and try not to talk too much. Here’s a list of conversation topics that Stanger recommends avoiding: your own adventures in dating, your ex, money, health problems, religion, politics, negative subjects that depress you, your children, sex, your diet (ladies), and business. Any other topics are fair-game.

Stanger then offers this priceless piece of information: “men fall in love through their eyes, and women fall in love through their ears. A man can look at a girl and fall in love, but a woman has to hear his voice and listen to the things he says. A woman can fall in love with a man who has a sexy voice and uses it to seduce her.” If you are a man with a sexy voice, you are a lucky bastard and probably have no need for the information in this book.

Here’s another golden nugget: “women fall in love on the date, and men fall in love after the date.” I know the latter to be true based upon my own experience, but I didn’t know the former was true. After I go out with someone, I need time to process things and I’ll often go over events of the date in my head several times as I formulate my opinion of the other person and our time together.

Yet another diamond, for the ladies: “men don’t respond to talk, they respond to silence.” That’s so true! If a women is yammering away, whether it be in a lively discussion with pointed questions or in an argumentative fashion, I’m reluctant to share my honest feelings or even speak with out some silence. I need some processing time and then I can express what I truly feel.

And another: “women are like Crock-Pots, they heat up slowly, and men are like microwaves, instantly ready to go.” Guys, if that gal you are interested in has turned you down once, but is still friendly and laughs at your jokes, she might come around in time. So give it a little rest and ask her out again when the time is right.

And one more for good measure: “Calling makes the man, texting makes the boy, and emailing makes the phantom.” This relates to the point mentioned above: women fall in love through their ears. And calling them also let’s them know that you think they are important enough to take the time to call rather than throwing out a quick email or text. Enchant her with your voice and leave the texting to the high school kids.

I’m going to take some time to commit these tips to memory before I go out on my next date. Please wish me luck!

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